Not Enough

As I held one of my favorite toddlers in a long snuggle, a feeling foreign to me in Haiti crept its way into me—anxiety. Besides some moments of homesickness, I have not felt worried or anxious about too much here. Being flexible and patient with the slow pace here has helped a lot. So why now? I finally realized that I am nervous and anxious about going home. I am not ready to leave these children that I have come to know and love. For the past few days every time I hold a baby I worry that this will be the last time I get to cuddle with them. My time here is not enough for me and I get overwhelmed with this.

What if this is the last time I hear ______ yelling my name as he sees me coming down the path? My time is not enough.

What if I never get to see ________ and _______ sticking their lips out through the gate waiting for kisses again? My time is not enough.

I want to be there when _______ starts walking or when ______ finally can hold up her head. I want to see all of the babies healthy and all of the children with their forever families.

“When I am overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I” (Psalm 61:2) and because of this reality, I know that God had a reason for me to be here in these specific six weeks. I know that these babies will get along fine without me being here because they are loved by wonderful Haitian and international staff. Though the adoption process is slow right now, I am confident that God will not leave them as orphans (John 14) because He sets the lonely in families (Psalm 68). I am thankful for all of these things. I am thankful that He is more than enough.

As mentioned before, being here in Haiti for six weeks instead of just one has taught me many things. I have learned so much about having a constant biblical worldview, have changed my so-called “mission ideology,” and have witnessed firsthand how to really rely on God’s daily grace.  

Before coming to Haiti God taught me the important lesson that His way is the best way (Proverbs 19:21). I wanted to go to Africa or Asia—somewhere far away—for the first chunk of summer so that I’d be home in time for home’s VBS, my 21^st birthday, and school preparation. The way it turned out though is that God chose for me to go Haiti—just a short flight from Florida—during the last chunk of summer where I would ‘miss' all these things.

I thought I learned this lesson well, but still was making plans in my heart. I told myself that this trip is just to get my feet wet in an “orphanage” setting with a longer than normal time-frame. It would act has great experience, but Haiti was to be a one-time deal because I was probably going to settle somewhere close to where I student teach. Though the latter might still be possible, God once again broke my heart and filled it with love for Haiti, these kids, and COTP. If I fell in love with a kid after a week in Mexico, I must have been crazy to think I wouldn’t do the same with babies after 6 weeks with them! I’m not exactly sure if there is a future for me here, but I am definitely planning on visiting. If God saw fit, I’d definitely be open to considering Haiti for anything in my future.

Lots of prayers will be said in the upcoming week which starts with my 21^st birthday and ends with my homecoming. I will be praying that my anxiety is settled and that peace will cover my heart as I readjust to home and school. Many many many prayers will be said for the all of the children here and for their biological and forever families. Now I’ll also be praying for God to really direct my path because I know for certain that His will is where I want to be.

Though my time may feel like not enough to me, I know that my God is enough (2 Corinthians 12:9). So now I’ll strive to worship in the waiting—through the rest of my schooling—while He teaches me more and leads me to where He want me to be. J