Catching Up

January 7^th, 2016

Coming back from Haiti this time was different. Everyone handled it differently. My family had work and school on my first day back so it was just me and my dogs reconnecting as life went on around me. Even with friends though, at church and otherwise, I felt like I was getting a glimpse into the future. People said, “Welcome back to the States” or “Good to see you back church.” No one said, “Welcome home.” In fact, the one person who started to say that stopped himself and asked me, “Wait, or are you visiting here and Haiti is home now?” Other comments included, “How long are you here for?” “When do you go back?” And even “When do you go home?” And “I have a feeling that pretty soon we won’t be seeing you very often around here.”

As much as these comments caught me off guard, I wasn’t offended by them. I know missionaries who have lived internationally for years and their family and friends refuse to acknowledge their official “home-ness” of their countries. It just seems to me that everyone around me as just accepted my calling before I have. I have known this was coming but I think there was always a little part of me that hoped God would tweak my timing to be more convenient. You know, like after some teaching experiences or a husband, or paying off student loans…Fortunately, God’s ways and His timing are not my own and I need to let Him call the shots on this one. He has proved over and over that this is His voice I’m feeling and it’s not a call for I’m ready. It’s for now.

          I’ve stayed awake until 5am pondering my future to come to these conclusions…I’m hoping now that I’ve admitted it, I’ll be able to sleep.

August 17^th, 2016

          Well….as many of you know, I let God call the shots and I am headed back to Haiti this Saturday. It is currently 2:52 am on my birthday and I’m laying downstairs because I am literally hotter than Haiti and my mind is buzzing with emotions and thoughts that I haven’t gotten on paper yet. I’ll give you a quick recap of my year since that revelation and then hopefully update you from my new normal.

          January: Start working at TIA as lead infant teacher

          February: Start application process to get back to Haiti

          March: TIA closed so I moved to be the lead 3 year old teacher at Kiddie Academy

          May: get accepted to OMS! (Start fundraising)

          July: resign from K.A. to head to CROSS training in Indiana

          August: two week of VBS and this one week of prep before heading down!

** I think I fell asleep because that last sentence wasn’t even finished.

August 21, 2016

          It hasn’t been an easy road, but I’m finally back in Haiti. A quote I kept finding in random places is this:

 which is fitting because even though the transition will be difficult, it is not about becoming better, it is being who God created me to be. So anyway, after a lovely commissioning service by my church, last week was spent cleaning and packing and cherishing every moment with my family. I’m now in the process of unpacking and settling before I start back to school with the other teachers on Wednesday. This week I will hopefully give you a better update on my life in Haiti and what it will look like.  Thank you for your prayers! Stay tuned....

"What was your favorite moment, Kacie?"

As my time in Haiti is drawing to a close, I have a new question to be answered. Instead of “Why did you chose Haiti?” I keep getting, “What was your favorite part?” and “What did you learn?”

So far, each time I have been asked I’ve quickly responded, “That’s too much pressure!” How can I pick one moment out of 7 weeks? One of my housemates suggested that I narrow it down and make a list of things I will miss and somethings I will not miss.

I decided to start with the nots.

1.    I will not miss missing family and friends and the moments that we could be sharing. Definitely number one…I felt most homesick on Kira’s birthday, but even knowing I am missing little things-basketball games, movie nights, inside jokes-it’s hands down the hardest part.

2.    I will not miss mosquitos. One can only take so many bites before they wish for extinction.

3.    I will not miss missing my pets who help ground me when I need a break from people.

4.    I will not miss being so far from Dunkin’ Donuts. I’d really love to have a Dunkin’ Caramel Iced Coffee. Or a hot Pumpkin. Mmmm.

5.    I will not miss the roosters crowing and goats screaming at midnight. Is that really necessary goat? Shush!

And that’s as far as I got. I’m sure I could list little nuisances but really… I can do without the material stuff. Here’s what I will miss about not being in Haiti:

1.    My students, my “Class-ity class.” My ten students and I warmed up to each other pretty quickly! They are hard workers, willing to learn and try all of the new strategies I’ve learned about, but never put into practice before. I love their energy, the amount of random questions they ask, and how they interact with me and make me feel like a real teacher.

2.    My housemates. I’ll miss our long talks over our many dishes, our yummy meals from scratch, our adventures, our movie/Chuck nights, and all of the little things we did together to make Haiti feel like home.

3.    My community of surrounding missionaries. They welcomed me so eagerly and have been such a huge encouragement to me. I never felt like an outsider here.

4.    The cats. It may seem funny, but I will genuinely miss the kitty cuddles and how Juliet waits for me on my bed when I get home from school for a de-stress cuddle.

5.    The views like:

6.    Being close to COTP. Duh. J

7.    The lessons God teaches in the midst of the uncomfortable: being surrounded by a different language, new people that are always coming and going, long bumpy roads, heat, rain, angels in disguise, questions of a child, unknown future ahead…It is in these moments that God’s grace are the most visible. 

8.    The person I feel I am become in the midst of these things. “You get a strange feeling when you leave a place. Like, you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you miss the person you are at this time and place because you’ll never be this way ever again.”

In conclusion, I am excited to go home and graduate, see my family, and celebrate Christmas with my church. But at the same time, my heart is heavy with all of the things I am leaving behind.

And for everyone that asks about after I graduate: “She wants school to be over, but she’s afraid of it being over, because then she’ll have to figure out what comes next (Levithan).” That quote sums up how I’ve felt about school since I started college. So… I am praying for wisdom and discernment as to what God has next in my life. I appreciate any prayers you could send for me (and my family) as I have some major decisions ahead. I’d be more than happy to tell you stories and show you pictures of my time here. J

Where My Heart is Happy

      As most of you hopefully know now, I am finishing my last necessary part of my schooling-my second student teaching assignment- overseas in Haiti. I'm teaching in a third grade classroom at Cowman International School which is near the city of Cap Haitian. It's going great so far, but I wanted to answer a very common question- why Cowman? Why Haiti?
   
    If you have ever talked to me, even for 2.5 seconds, you probably know that I spent six weeks last summer at a childcare center/orphanage in Lagosette, Haiti called COTP. You probably know that I completely fell in love with the babies, the preschoolers, the atmosphere, and the people. You've probably seen my scrapbook or have seen my Facebook posts about it. From the second I got on the place to come home, my heart has been torn between Haiti and home.

    When I found out that I was accepted into the international student teaching program at Cairn, I knew that I wanted to find somewhere in Haiti. When I went onto the ACSI website (the Christian school accreditation place), there were only two in the whole country, Cowman and Quesqueya, a school in the capital city of Port-au-Prince. When I researched where this little school, Cowman, was I found that it was only 25 minutes away from where I was in the summer of 2014! Perfect! Except that that was the only information I could find. I questioned my supervisors and they were very doubtful that it would work out. They recommended that I go with my third placement option and forget that I even saw the Haitian schools. My heart was set though, and with some determination, I finally uncovered a missionary teacher's blog from Cowman and connected with him. Eventually this lead to me finding the ministry's webpage and director's contact information and so here I am! I love feeling like a real teacher in my classroom and have come to love my ten third graders. My mentor teacher, principal, housemates, and everyone else have been wonderful as well.

    Instead of being nervous about being away from home for another six weeks, I was only excited. My face was probably like a kid at Christmas when I first caught sight of the Haitian mountains outside of my plane window. To make my stay even sweeter, I get to attend church at COTP on most Sundays and am currently spending a long weekend there as well! I am surrounded by my kids from last year and some new ones as well! My hair has been pulled, I've been pinched, slobbered on, and kissed. My feet are filthy because a little someone stole my shoes for a while so that I would tickle her. I am tired. And I  am more content that I have been in a long time.

     So, why Haiti? I think one of my education professors said it best. While looking at my scrapbook, full of pictures of the kids here at COTP, instead of looking at the kids and commenting on how cute they all are (and believe me, they are), she looked at my face. She said, "When you talk about Haiti, you light up more than you ever do any other time in my classes. Look at you in these pictures. This...this is where your heart is happy."

And that is exactly why I chose Haiti for this round of six week adventures; it is where God has chosen to make my heart happy.

Not Enough

As I held one of my favorite toddlers in a long snuggle, a feeling foreign to me in Haiti crept its way into me—anxiety. Besides some moments of homesickness, I have not felt worried or anxious about too much here. Being flexible and patient with the slow pace here has helped a lot. So why now? I finally realized that I am nervous and anxious about going home. I am not ready to leave these children that I have come to know and love. For the past few days every time I hold a baby I worry that this will be the last time I get to cuddle with them. My time here is not enough for me and I get overwhelmed with this.

What if this is the last time I hear ______ yelling my name as he sees me coming down the path? My time is not enough.

What if I never get to see ________ and _______ sticking their lips out through the gate waiting for kisses again? My time is not enough.

I want to be there when _______ starts walking or when ______ finally can hold up her head. I want to see all of the babies healthy and all of the children with their forever families.

“When I am overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I” (Psalm 61:2) and because of this reality, I know that God had a reason for me to be here in these specific six weeks. I know that these babies will get along fine without me being here because they are loved by wonderful Haitian and international staff. Though the adoption process is slow right now, I am confident that God will not leave them as orphans (John 14) because He sets the lonely in families (Psalm 68). I am thankful for all of these things. I am thankful that He is more than enough.

As mentioned before, being here in Haiti for six weeks instead of just one has taught me many things. I have learned so much about having a constant biblical worldview, have changed my so-called “mission ideology,” and have witnessed firsthand how to really rely on God’s daily grace.  

Before coming to Haiti God taught me the important lesson that His way is the best way (Proverbs 19:21). I wanted to go to Africa or Asia—somewhere far away—for the first chunk of summer so that I’d be home in time for home’s VBS, my 21^st birthday, and school preparation. The way it turned out though is that God chose for me to go Haiti—just a short flight from Florida—during the last chunk of summer where I would ‘miss' all these things.

I thought I learned this lesson well, but still was making plans in my heart. I told myself that this trip is just to get my feet wet in an “orphanage” setting with a longer than normal time-frame. It would act has great experience, but Haiti was to be a one-time deal because I was probably going to settle somewhere close to where I student teach. Though the latter might still be possible, God once again broke my heart and filled it with love for Haiti, these kids, and COTP. If I fell in love with a kid after a week in Mexico, I must have been crazy to think I wouldn’t do the same with babies after 6 weeks with them! I’m not exactly sure if there is a future for me here, but I am definitely planning on visiting. If God saw fit, I’d definitely be open to considering Haiti for anything in my future.

Lots of prayers will be said in the upcoming week which starts with my 21^st birthday and ends with my homecoming. I will be praying that my anxiety is settled and that peace will cover my heart as I readjust to home and school. Many many many prayers will be said for the all of the children here and for their biological and forever families. Now I’ll also be praying for God to really direct my path because I know for certain that His will is where I want to be.

Though my time may feel like not enough to me, I know that my God is enough (2 Corinthians 12:9). So now I’ll strive to worship in the waiting—through the rest of my schooling—while He teaches me more and leads me to where He want me to be. J

Children Disguised as Statistics

If I gave you a list of statistics such as this:

     “There are children all over the world sick, starving, dying, unloved, and uncared for. The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million, who starve to death or die from preventable diseases, and the 8.6 million who work as child sales, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions, and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million children.”

      It would seem overwhelming. Helping them would seem like an impossible task. But there’s a way to change that mindset. First of all, realize that you cannot save the world on your own-for it will be Jesus who does that. Second, realize that these are not just statistics and numbers. They are young children and babies with their own backgrounds, testimonies, and lives. I've had the privilege of getting to know some of these “statistics.” They happen to love being held, rocked, and talked to. Each has a personality that is so different from the rest. Please don’t think of “orphans” as a whole, but realize that every single “number” is a unique gift from God who is worth every oz. of love you can give them.

      In Haiti, I have already fallen in love with all the children. I can't wait to come home and tell everyone all about them. One of the preemies that I had the chance to cuddle often was healthy enough to go home with his papa. I love playing with the toddlers, making the babies smile, and being covered with the young children who climb up my legs for me to tickle them. In just a week and a half I seen the joy of watching babies go home with their families and have felt sorrow for the ones still waiting for a forever family. I do know this though; “God is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows…God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:5-6).

     “Though at first glance 164.8 million children look like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians. The truth is that if only 8% of the Christians would care for just one more child, there would not be any statistic left. This is the truth and I have the freedom to believe it. The freedom, the opportunity to do something about it. The truth is that He loves these children just as much as He loves me and now that I know, I am responsible.”

So, how do you reach a world with 143 million orphans?

One at a time. 

Haiti!

In 38 days I will be in Haiti! :O

It's coming so fast and I'm both excited and nervous for this! :)

Prayer

Be careful what you pray for.

A couple years ago I prayed for God make me do more than go through the motions. I prayed for Him to break my heart for what breaks His.

And He did.

He placed a huge burden on my heart for the orphan, the widow, the homeless...the least of these.
Now everyday that I sit at home the burden grows deeper and stronger. I have to get out and serve these people in the name of Christ. It's gotten to the point where there is a physical feeling of anxiousness in my stomach.

So as I narrow my search results from 600+ places to serve down to 20 I pray for discernment in where He wants me to go.